Women's Stuff

I had my annual poke and pinch exams at the gynecologist a coupe of weeks ago. It’s a five minute checkup and Pap smear. Then I get to schedule one of my least favorite things that I have to do in my life, the dreaded MAMMOGRAM. Not that the gynno exam doesn’t rank pretty high too.

So I bet you’re thinking, boy she sure is whinny. And in a way, you are correct. I have cystic breasts and had at least two exams a year for too long a time. Some of you are now saying, “Oh now I understand.” Needless to say, the exams are painful.

During my exam, my doctor asked me if I was still having my period. I told her that I was. She stopped what she was doing down there, looked up at me and said in all seriousness, “Well stop!” And she proceeded to tell me that I was too old (gee thanks for that) to still be having them.

“Well doc,” I told her. “It’s not like you can say to yourself, “Okay, that’s enough now, and then you’re done.” I mean, is she nuts or something? I’m thinking that she’s the doctor and should know better than that. Right?!

If we could will things to happen like that, would she and I even have this conversation? No we wouldn't, because I would have stopped having my period when I was 12 years old. “I don’t like this bleeding, pain and the messy stuff, so I’ll just stop having it.” Yeah, that would be great, wouldn’t it? How much nicer a big portion of my life would have been without my period. No migraines, smell or back pain. Except that I wouldn’t have had a good excuse to get out of swim class so often in high school. Hmmmm. With everything there is an equal and opposite reaction, isn’t there? Life really is about balance.

Anyway, getting back to the yucky woman stuff…

I went for the mammogram the following week. After I was sitting waiting for about 20 minutes, they called my name. The lady at the desk said that they changed the registration process and I had to go to a different desk. Apparently I didn’t get the phone call letting me know that. I did get a letter about coming in 30 minutes earlier than usual though. I guess I got the letterr so I could waste time sitting in the wrong registration area.

I charged down the hall, so I could start all over again. I got to this electronic sign in table and there was an elderly woman in front of me. Two people were trying to help her figure out how to sign in. They finally got it before I almost passed out from trying not to scream, “Let me do it for you!!” Now I had about 5 minutes of my 30 minutes left.
Luckily my good karma was working overtime that day. I got called to the desk right after I sat down. The lady at this desk said that the first desk could have taken care of me today. Oh really??!! But I couldn’t get angry; I was now starting to get very nervous about the dreaded MAMMO.

I was late by now for my appointment, but the ladies who work in mammography were so nice and said it was okay. They had a lot of patients who were late that week because of the mix up. Thank goodness. I didn’t need more anxiety. I could have kissed them both, but held back since they didn't know me.

As I said before, I find mammograms to be painful. I had my eyes shut; my fists clenched and was standing on my tip toes in preparation for the intense pain. And then, nothing… I barely felt anything! I asked the technician if she had started yet. She laughed and told me that everyone says that now. This year was different! They had the new digital machine. Let me tell you, it was a piece of cake. I was so happy, I told the technician I would do it again three more times. She laughed again said no and told me it was okay, they had enough pictures.

My breasts are very grateful!